Hide and watch
05.06.04 (3:49 pm) [edit]
All day I've been trying to figure out what to blog about. Do I try and cheer myself up, by posting something fun.... Do I write about how I'm feeling...
I will say that I spent all morning on the couch. Got up and went to Ally's school again for lunch and then went shopping with Clay at WM. Came home, read some blogs and then went back to the couch. I can't remember the last time I've spent this much time on the couch during the middle of the day.
I'm having a hard time digesting all of this new information. I'm so scared of losing my Mother. I'm so scared of my kids losing their nanny. I feel helpless, as I'm sure Mom does. Basically, she has to depend on her body now. She has to hope that her heart will be able to heal itself and the medications will help. I can't imagine how she must be feeling. How much pain she has to endure.
I'm trying to understand why some people must live a life full of pain, while others live a charmed life with a healthy body and they don't know enough to appreciate it. We lost my cousin at the age of 32, two years ago. My other cousin at the age of 29, 4 years before that. How much more can one family endure?
This has brought about one good change though. I've decided to quit smoking. I know that I can do it, but it's going to be HARD. I want to be able to take a deep breathe when I'm 50. I want to be able to take long hikes and ride bikes and swim without running out of breath. My family is full of women who are so emotionally strong that I can't even comprehend the battles they have fought. Unfortunately, we have all been plagued with bodies that have a tendency to give out at a very young age. I'm going to fight it. Every damn step of the way.
I think I'm just stubborn enough to pull it off too. Hide and watch. ;)
Thanks everyone. I can handle almost anything when I know that I have friends and family to support me. Thanks for letting me whine.
*Hugs*
I will say that I spent all morning on the couch. Got up and went to Ally's school again for lunch and then went shopping with Clay at WM. Came home, read some blogs and then went back to the couch. I can't remember the last time I've spent this much time on the couch during the middle of the day.
I'm having a hard time digesting all of this new information. I'm so scared of losing my Mother. I'm so scared of my kids losing their nanny. I feel helpless, as I'm sure Mom does. Basically, she has to depend on her body now. She has to hope that her heart will be able to heal itself and the medications will help. I can't imagine how she must be feeling. How much pain she has to endure.
I'm trying to understand why some people must live a life full of pain, while others live a charmed life with a healthy body and they don't know enough to appreciate it. We lost my cousin at the age of 32, two years ago. My other cousin at the age of 29, 4 years before that. How much more can one family endure?
This has brought about one good change though. I've decided to quit smoking. I know that I can do it, but it's going to be HARD. I want to be able to take a deep breathe when I'm 50. I want to be able to take long hikes and ride bikes and swim without running out of breath. My family is full of women who are so emotionally strong that I can't even comprehend the battles they have fought. Unfortunately, we have all been plagued with bodies that have a tendency to give out at a very young age. I'm going to fight it. Every damn step of the way.
I think I'm just stubborn enough to pull it off too. Hide and watch. ;)
Thanks everyone. I can handle almost anything when I know that I have friends and family to support me. Thanks for letting me whine.
*Hugs*
posted by: SASHASMOMMA (reply)
post date: 05.06.04 (4:08 pm)
I missed reading your blog today....Now I understand why. Just pray....keep a great attitude its about all you can do for your Mom. She'll feed off of you...meaning being positive. Sounds like she is very strong and courageous, like Mother, like Daughter?? Been thinking about quitting smoking, too. I am so self conscious about the stink and my breath. Forever sucking on Altoids and using body spray to cover the stench. Plus, I would like to live a long healthy life with my husband. Maybe we can cheer for each other. Wishing you well wishes:)
posted by: Magoo (reply)
post date: 05.06.04 (4:17 pm)
I hope this finds you doing better. I know what you are going through as we lost my Mom a year ago Arpil 3rd. It was sudden, and very emotionally difficult for me to deal with. Mom was full of cancer, she knew we belive and did not tell us, it was not the cancer that got her, it was blood clots, thousands of them, long story, Just be thankfull for the time you have had with your Mom, and do not ever, EVER take time fro granted. Give up what ever you need to, in order to be with you Mom now, no matter what the outcome, If your Mom is strong and makes it through this...you will have had shared in a journey that will bond you. My prayers are with you friend.
posted by: Daisymae (reply)
post date: 05.06.04 (4:22 pm)
Jen, you know no matter what I am here for you. My pledge to you, We both quit! If you can I can, and together I just don't see how we could fail!!
posted by: JennsAbsent (reply)
post date: 05.06.04 (4:41 pm)
Reply to: SASHASMOMMA
I'm the same way. I always have gum and tic-tacs and body spray nearby. It's ridiculous! Freakin addictions suck!
I'm going to quit though... I am. I am. I am.
(trying to convince myself.. ) lol.
posted by: JennsAbsent (reply)
post date: 05.06.04 (4:44 pm)
Reply to: Magoo
Thanks Magoo. (remind me of your real name... plz)
Thats great advice. I"m SO sorry to hear about your mom.. I can't imagine how hard that must be. Actually, i can imagine.. I just don't want to.
I think I'll go see her this weekend.
posted by: qutepie2 (reply)
post date: 05.06.04 (5:58 pm)
I'm sorry you are down. Understandable though. Good luck with the smoking thing. That is a good decision.
posted by: SSWarrior (reply)
post date: 05.06.04 (6:30 pm)
i know iit is hard i'll pray for you and your mom other then that all i can say is try to keep yourself busy and enjoy what ever time you nd her have ;)
posted by: chicalookate (reply)
post date: 05.06.04 (6:35 pm)
That really wasn't a whine. We would let you get away with much more. I think the important thing is to accept the jumbled up feelings but not wallow in them (easier said than done). As Monty Python says... "Always look on the bright side of life". Make the moments count. And I have a feeling you will be a crotchety 80 year old leering at the orderlies... but that could be me. :D
posted by: AnaLytikal (reply)
post date: 05.06.04 (7:54 pm)
Hey! I don't see any whine..do u? Ur doing great hun...keep up the great strength...i just quit smoking too and it's hard but u can do it...and i also found out that my mother's heart is literally too big...so i can totally relate with ur blog...it's mad isn't it? but looks like u've got a great support system and now u've got one more...any time u'd like to chat about things...i'm here!
take care!
posted by: jazznote (reply)
post date: 05.06.04 (8:14 pm)
Hey hunny. When all else fails, let God be God in your life. He is the great physician in the world. And he's free. All you gotta do is deposit your prayers and the faith you have in him will make the withdrawals, as one motivational speaker puts it. Your momma will be fine. Speak that into being. Read Psalms 6... I'll be praying for you guys too. **Hugs**
posted by: dumblondegirl (reply)
post date: 05.07.04 (8:12 am)
Good for you for deciding to quit smoking! I keep hoping J will decide to do it too. He's been talking about it a lot recently. Cancer seems to run in his family.
I don't know what words to say to comfort you about your mom's condition. It does seem like your family has been through so much already.
~*~HUGS~*~
posted by: JennsAbsent (reply)
post date: 05.07.04 (8:46 am)
Reply to: qutepie2
Thanks hun. So far it hasn't been to bad. Hard to smoke when your sleeping... LOL!
posted by: JennsAbsent (reply)
post date: 05.07.04 (8:47 am)
Reply to: SSWarrior
Good advice sweetie.. Thanks.
posted by: JennsAbsent (reply)
post date: 05.07.04 (8:55 am)
Reply to: chicalookate
More good advice. I have definitely been doing my fair share of wallowing. Ugh! I'm not one to feel sorry for myself; truly, I find that a very boring personality trait in most people. I would tell anyone.. Be happy you still have her! or my favorite.... Why are you worrying about something that hasn't happened yet! Time to start taking my own advice, eh?
Anyway. I look forward to leering at the orderlies. ;-)
posted by: JennsAbsent (reply)
post date: 05.07.04 (9:03 am)
Reply to: AnaLytikal
It definitely sounds as if we are sharing the same moon. Has your Mom gotten a diagnosis yet about her heart? I'd love to share a story with you.. about my mom and her heart and the heart transplant that she had 15 years ago. (It's a success story!) I'm reluctant though.. I'm sure you're worrying alot right now!
I just smoked the first cigarette today.. I smoked only half. Maybe that's good.. Maybe it's bad. I'm not sure. I know it's alot less than normal!
Thanks for commenting. I look forward to reading your blog.
~Jenn
posted by: Cyberpal (reply)
post date: 05.07.04 (9:20 am)
Hey Jenn, glad to see you back here. If you wanna whine, rant, moan, whatever you just go ahead!!
Cant imagine what you guys raec going thru especially with the recent losses too. Hang in there hun :)
posted by: Cyberpal (reply)
post date: 05.07.04 (9:21 am)
And, I'm glad you're finally quitting the ol cigs too.... always works easier if you've got a buddy to shoulder the load too... Krista's a star! :)
posted by: JennsAbsent (reply)
post date: 05.07.04 (9:30 am)
Reply to: jazznote
Thanks Jazzy.. That is something I definitely needed to be reminded about. My grandma would be disappointed in my lack of prayer lately. I'll try and do better!
posted by: JennsAbsent (reply)
post date: 05.07.04 (9:31 am)
Reply to: Cyberpal
Thanks hun! It's been very difficult the past 5 years and it seems that we are finally getting on with out lives when this hits. Makes one worry about their sanity! Ya know?
Krista is tops. She always has been. My rock, and she knows it!!
posted by: JennsAbsent (reply)
post date: 05.07.04 (9:33 am)
Reply to: dumblondegirl
Tell J that if I can do it, anyone can! I love my addiction.. lol. Seriously, I enjoy smoking and I dread not being able to fire up. It's a necessity though! I wanna be able to lear at the orderlies when I'm 80. LOL!!
posted by: J (reply)
post date: 05.07.04 (9:45 am)
yeah i smoked for about 4 or five years and had tried to quit a few times, succeeding then starting again. now i am smoke free for the past 6 months or so..cold turkey. i dont even know how i did it. i had one about a month ago..i was so stressed out and what not and just said screw it and had one. but it was just so nasty like it is everytime u start up again and i didnt even finish half before throwing it down. i was thinking ...what do i need this for? i dont. good luck to you. i dont know how long u been smokin for but there are people who have smoked for 30 years and so on and can still quit! so goood luck.
and sorry to hear about your mom. i hope everything goes ok. ;)
posted by: JennsAbsent (reply)
post date: 05.07.04 (9:56 am)
Reply to: J
Thanks J. I've been smoking for about 12 years off and on. I didn't smoke when I was pregnant with any of the kids, nor when I was breast feeding them. I also quit once for 6 months because I was sick. But I have always started back. I'm not going cold turkey this time.. I feel the addiction is too bad and I don't want to freak my body out anymore than it already is. Heh.
posted by: JennsAbsent (reply)
post date: 05.07.04 (9:57 am)
Reply to: aliciarose
Thanks Alicia. I appreciate that. :D
posted by: Cyberpal (reply)
post date: 05.07.04 (10:54 am)
Reply to: JennsAbsent
You always know those you can bank on when the chips are down. Friends like that are Priceless!!
posted by: islandArtist (reply)
post date: 05.08.04 (7:54 am)
Whine away girlie... that's what blogs (and us) are out here for!!
((((hugs))))
posted by: Gigi (reply)
post date: 05.08.04 (10:56 am)
Hugs, hugs, hugs to you!!
